i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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