All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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