i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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