I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
