you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
false alarm, still single
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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