but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
