I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
