Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
