At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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