You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
