if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Small penises have feelings too.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
