forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
