apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize