Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
