oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
