Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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