Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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