You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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