dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
