i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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