the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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