Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
