i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
zippers are such a cool invention
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
