When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
