I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
