his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize