I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
