just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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