The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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