cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
