my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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