my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he's gonorrhea incarnate
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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