I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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