There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
