You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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