Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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