i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
