If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
