I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
