i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
