I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
