he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
