I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
