You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
