she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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