I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
