if i can run in heels then i can drive
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
