That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
