Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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