I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
