I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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