if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
