She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
