I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize