when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
