i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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