You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize