I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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