you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
