Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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