the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
