you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As shirtless as possible
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
