WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
