so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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