Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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